We all make mistakes. Why is it hard for me to bounce back from them, and simply move forward?
I am having a complicated day. I had a work misunderstanding and it has ended up costing me money, which in turn makes me feel totally guilty, like I messed up big time, and now I’m a failure.
In an attempt to re-frame, I could also say that I learned an important lesson, I won’t make that mistake again, and I’ve been offered a way to re-coop some of the lost dollars. That should make me feel better, right? It doesn’t.
I feel like I’ve been gut punched. As someone who deals with anxiety, I want to cry and crawl into bed. The last thing I want to do is put on my productive face and write my weekly blog, but I have to. The reasons that I have to are trifold:
The show must go on. This is my business. I have committed to writing a weekly blog and emailing it to my amazing Artventure community who look forward to my essays each week and I don’t want to let them down.
Writing is good for me. It allows me to process and organize my cray cray brain. It always makes me feel better, and I know it.
- There’s no crying in baseball.
I have an unreasonable amount of shame and guilt around this fuck up. I’ve been beating myself up about it all day. It’s making me sick to my stomach. And right when I think I’ve made it to “ChillOutAlreadyLand”, I’ve realized that I think the fuck up is still actively fucking up and I’m not sure how to make it stop.
Just breathe, Girl, just breathe.
Also, nagging in the back of my mind, is a not so small voice telling me that getting deep into the shame and guilt, and having such a scarcity mindset when it comes to money, is NOT a recipe for success, but a future failure waiting in the wings.
In a way, I feel like that both the guilt and shame hold me back, like they’re a self-fulfilling prophecy. The voice tells me that people with money scarcity brain tend not to make money. It says that in order to succeed, I have to spend some money and if I’m scared to, I won’t make any.
But my brain is a wreck right now. Full on negative word vomit circulating up in there. It’s hard for me to even grasp what a next step might be. Any next step…I don’t know what to do. It's impossible to hear the correct direction when my brain sounds like this:
“Do I spend the money? Do I save the money? I would like to invest in myself, and I believe that the return will follow…but what if it doesn’t? Do I continue spending the money on credit because, gosh darn it, you’ve got to spend money to make money? Or do I stay within my budget and means because that’s how I prefer to live my life.
Is it different with business? Do I have to live debt free in my business? How do I stop this current hemorrhage? Why can’t people with money understand that what they consider pocket change is my utility bill?
And moreover, how do I know that any of this marketing stuff is going to work anyway? Who do I think I am? Why should I be successful? Because I’m a badass! Am I? I mean, really? What if I’m not? What if I’m subconsciously tricking people into thinking that I’m good at painting and writing? Like a fake it ‘till I make it type thing?
What if I never make it?”
Are you tired yet? I am. I’m tired of having confidence in myself one minute and feeling like a piece of shit the next. I’m exhausted by feeling like I’m not enough, and completely embarrassed because I know that’s not true.
It’s like my mind is one big oxymoron and each side is playing tug-of-war while simultaneously having the world’s most intense pissing contest. I mean, what the fuck for realz?
The only way out of this is through action.
I do, however, feel like I have allowed myself this temper tantrum for quite long enough. The only way out of this is through action. I know it...but that hasn’t stopped me from doing a procrastination Facebook check about 20 times today. I’m just prolonging the inevitable.
It’s time to get a pair brass ovaries and get to work. I have work to do and no amount of whining is going to make it go away. The only thing that will possibly lead to success is keeping forward momentum.
So, thanks for allowing me to go on a rather childish diatribe. I feel better, but like a stubborn child, I also feel myself hanging onto the pissy-ness, holding my breath and stomping my feet until someone comes and fixes this for me, or gives me a cookie.
As fate would have it, I do have a one-on-one meeting with someone who will be able to walk me though my current confusion, so there’s that. I’m hoping that by getting more information, I’ll feel more confident about moving forward.
It’s not a total “fix it for me” situation, but that’s ok, because that wouldn’t be good for me either. I’ve got to pull on my big girl panties, put one foot in front of the other, and walk my way through this.
Are you still with me? Really? Wow. Thanks. That must mean that you can relate. In the comments below, tell me one thing you do after you fuck up to make yourself move on. I could sure use all the strategies I can get.