How I Predicted My Last Anxiety Attack and It Made My Brain Go Wonky

If it’s true that we manifest our own destiny, is it also possible that we manifest our own suffering?  Does that mean we can stop it as well?

Last week I talked about how I’ve been feeling so good that it’s hard not to believe a down swing is right around the corner.  I discussed the mind fuck that this creates for me as it causes me to question if I’m creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  That was last Thursday.

On Monday night, I had a panic attack, just as I predicted.  Even though I felt it brewing all day, I remained positive that perhaps it was nothing.  That, of course, could also be called denial. 

By the time my hubbie got home from work, I was completely irritable.  He told me something and asked me to keep it in confidence and my reply was to get totally defensive and ask if he thought I went around gossiping all the time.  (I mean, why else would he say that, right?)

Of course, that wasn’t the case, and that is partially why I asked.  It is important for me to know when I’m being overly sensitive (anxiety), and taking everything completely personally (anxiety), and feeling annoyed/depressed/jumpy at him and everything else around me (anxiety/anxiety/anxiety).

 

The familiar thoughts that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around, that I’m a nuisance, and that he was completely disgusted with me because I was crumbling right in front of him, all began to dig deep and set roots into my brain.

 

I sat down with him to eat dinner and felt the pressure building up behind my eyes, like my head would explode any second.  The familiar thoughts that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around, that I’m a nuisance, and that he was completely disgusted with me because I was crumbling right in front of him, all began to dig deep and set roots into my brain.

I talked through it.  Half rambling, half crying, but talking never-the-less.  I interrupted myself to take long, deep breaths.  I shook my hands down at my sides to release some of the vibrations that I felt running through my body.  I described to him the feeling of having 100 ideas circulating in my head all at once and how the words feel like they get tied up in knots around my tongue.

Part of my rambling was that I kind of believe I did it to myself.  I mean, last week I straight up said I was due for a low, and here it was just five days later.  WTF?  Part of me thinks that I am responsible.  Part of me thinks that I’m giving myself WAY too much credit.  I mean, am I really that powerful?

When I was a child, I had a recurring dream that I was in a vast open space, there didn’t even seem to be a ground, and in the middle, was what I can only describe as an enormous, tangled, cluster fuck.  It was an ever moving and shifting mass of wires, cables, and rope of varying sizes and textures, that was knotting in on itself in constant movement.  It was terrifying and as big as a mountain.

In the dream, I would feel an incredible amount of internal space, like the distance between my shoulder and hand was miles long.  You know that hell hallway in dreams that keeps getting longer?  Well imagine that feeling, but inside your body.

Then my gaze would go from the cluster, to a tiny daisy, just below it in its shadow.  That simplicity was comforting.  Then I would wake.

For years, I had this dream.  I still have it occasionally, usually when I have a fever.  It is the only visual I have for a panic attack.  Just thinking about it can bring up a shaky feeling in my belly.  But maybe it has been trying to tell me something, even all those years ago.

I DO believe that I brought on my anxiety attack.  I’m the person that would play hooky and call in sick to work, only to ACTUALLY get sick like 4 days later.  My brain body connection is strong and apparently still listening to old stories.  I made my brain go wonky by telling it that it was due to go wonky. 

But I think there may be something in those dreams that was telling me a secret.  That tiny flower sitting in the shadow of the madness is the key.  It always has been. 

Last week, I told myself that I was going to have a bout of anxiety.  I can’t help thinking those thoughts.  I wish I could but they are decades of habit in the making.  But maybe, with the help of that daisy, I can begin to reframe them, and start developing a new habit of focusing on something small and beautiful within the noise.

In reality, I’ve been processing this all year.  I created an entire series of paintings called, A Lovely Mess, which is all about finding the beauty within the chaos.  That’s what the dream was trying to tell me all along. 

The tornado may be huge, looming, chaotic, and loud.  It may be casting a huge shadow on everything around it, but look closely.  I bet there is a tiny bit of beauty in that shadow whose only existence is to say, “I’m still here!  I have always been here!  My roots are deep! I will never leave!”

So, the next time my brain goes wonky, or I predict that it’s due to go wonky, or when I can’t seem to see anything beautiful amongst the chaos, I’m going to think about that flower.  My hope is that by just changing the thought pattern, the attack won’t happen.  I’ll keep you posted.

Do you feel you manifest your own anxiety?  How do you keep it at bay? In the comments below, I’d love to know if you have a go to mantra, breathing exercise, or any other strategy for stopping anxiety before it grips you.  If not, maybe try my flower?  Let me know how it goes.

 

I have obviously been looking for my flower all along.  The painting at top is from my Lovely Mess series. Tending the Garden, 8"x8", Acrylic and Paper on Canvas.  It is for purchase for $160. CLICK HERE to purchase.    

Search for the beauty in the chaos.  It's still there amongst the noise.

 
I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this crazy, beautiful Artventure 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments (1):

Jo on

I’ve dealt with a huge amount of fear All My Life. Now I’m getting better. Have been alcohol-free for almost a decade, too. I just tell myself that, whatever’s going on, I can only do my best today.

My best varies, depending on factors like how much sleep I got, but is still my best. So I do what I can, a day at a time, and let the chips fall where they may. I find that invariably things work out the way they’re supposed to. My HP has my back.

Also, I do not have time to do a Step 10 inventory every day. But if I let this crucial maintenance go for toi long I get crazy and mean.

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How Slowing Down Helps Me Accomplish More

For me, one of the easiest paths to anxiety is to try to do more more more, faster faster faster.  Slow it down, Girl.

Have you ever noticed that the more anxious you get, the faster everything seems to be moving?  This past week, I had to surrender.  To my to do list, to my own expectations, to the pressure that I put on myself, to the feeling that everything needs to be done RIGHT NOW. 

I had been working on a painting that wasn’t coming along well.  I was attempting to create the first in the series of “breathe paintings” that I told you about last week.  What was coming out was the prickliest looking “breath” I have ever seen.  It was pointy, sharp, not at all the feeling of inhale and exhale that I had hoped to create. 

I realized that my state of mind at the time was abrupt, self-critical, and racing like it was running around on fire.  How could I possibly create paintings that felt like releasing a deep breath if I myself felt frantic?

I wanted to rip it up and start over, but I had spent hours on this painting already. Shouldn’t I stick it out and see where it went?  I have a goal of when I want this series done by…I’d be losing time if I were to abandon what I had already begun.

I stared and stared at this painting.  I tried hard to talk myself into what it was becoming.  Then, I decided to wipe it clean.  I had already applied a good bit of paper onto the canvas so I wet a bunch of paper towels and laid them on top of the paper so they would gently become loose, and I removed everything I had done.

 

Back to a blank slate.

 

I immediately felt myself exhale.  “On the right path already,” I thought.  Then I began to apply paper again.  I felt myself slow, my actions almost in slow motion.  Pick up the paper, dip it in the adhesive, fold it carefully, and apply it to the canvas.  Over and over I did this. 

Occasionally, I felt myself start moving faster, that deadline creeping into my brain.  I took a breath, picked up a piece of paper and slowly continued, watching my pace as I went on.  A funny thing happened…my shoulders relaxed & my breath became deeper and more intentional. 

A few hours passed in this way and when I stepped back, ahhhhh there it was.  The deep breath that I was looking for was beginning to appear on the canvas.  No more prickly, pointy paper.  It was now smooth, calm, and flowing. 

I worked in that way for the next two days.  This morning, I woke with energy for the first time in weeks.  My first thought when my eyes opened wasn’t, “Oh God I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight.”  Instead, I woke excited to continue on with my painting... 

…which, as it turns out, I won’t be getting to today due to three appointments spread out over the day, and an early Yoga and dinner date with my Mom.  But it’s ok.  A shift has happened. 

 

A funny thing happened…my shoulders relaxed & my breath became deeper and more intentional.

 

I worked for a nutritionist and herbalist for nearly a decade.  During presentations, he would talk about the different types of energy and why sea turtles live so long.  Now, I’m sure I’m going to get this wrong, as I am not a healthcare professional or a scientist, but basically, we are either spending energy or building energy.  Sleep is our time for building.  Waking hours are when we spend.

Where do sea turtles fit in?  Well, he said that the reason sea turtles live so long is because they move so darn slow. They aren’t in a hurry ever, like at all. They spend waaaaaaay less energy when they are awake than we do and don’t have to work so hard during sleep to build energy back up and thus live to be two million years old or whatever.

I found myself thinking about this as I slowly worked on my painting and also today while running around from appointment to appointment. I reminded myself a couple of times to take it slow.  

 

When I am running anxious, I have a Mean Boss in my head telling me that I need to do more and I need to do it faster

 

I find, when I am running anxious, I have a Mean Boss in my head telling me that I need to do more and I need to do it faster.  I should already have accomplished more than I have.  I should be much further along than I am.  

That will make my insides feel like they are vibrating and I begin to move faster in an effort to get more done.  This is what I refer to as “chicken with my head cut off” syndrome (see also "tornado brain", "hamster wheel mind" and "running around as if on fire mode").  It feels frantic and panicky and most of the time, leads to exhaustion, miscommunications and me taking everything personally. 

But here’s the deal…it will never be enough.  I will never please Mean Boss.  I will never accomplish what Mean Boss thinks I should have done.  I will always not be doing enough.  I will always not be doing it fast enough, or good enough.  Mean boss is a real fucker. 

The thing is that if I listen to Mean Boss, and start moving faster, I and my work suffer.  I am not able to create my “breathe” painting and instead create a pointy, sharp painting because that is how I am feeling on the inside.

The answer?  Slow down.  Be mindful of every action.  Don’t think about the deadline.  Instead, think about how this little blue piece of paper looks next to the lighter shade of paper that I placed it next to.  Think about the curved line that I am creating with straight edges. Inhale.  Exhale.  I am breathing. 

Today, I find I’m reminding myself to simply slow the pace down.  I’m realizing that when I spin out into “go mode”, it actually feeds the anxiety. Instead of feeling accomplished, I feel even more like a failure.  It’s because I am trying to satisfy Mean Boss, who will never ever be satisfied.  

 

The answer?  Slow down.  Be mindful of every action. 

 

I have clarity on this today.  Tomorrow, I may not.  It is the ebb and flow of peace and anxiety.  I feel, as I’m settling into middle age, that the anxiety is getting worse.  Is it because there is more to do?  Maybe.  But deep down, I feel it is fear of running out of time to get all the things done. If I figure out how to fire Mean Boss, who will never be satisfied, will I then I solve the issue of never ending deadlines, and ever growing criticisms?  

My desire right now is to be that sea turtle.  To feel ok about my productivity, even if I am not running on full throttle 100% of the time.  To tell myself that I do enough.  I am enough.  I will accomplish enough...and to quote Stuart Smalley, "Gosh darn it, people like me".  Simple, yes?  Someone needs to get Mean Boss the memo.

Have you ever noticed the power in slowing down?  In the comments, tell me about one time that you helped yourself by simply taking things slower. 

 

The photo at top is a detail from the beginning of my first Breathe painting.  I have a ways to go, but already I'm finding it soothing.

 

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.

Being Kind to Yourself This New Year: Three Ways to Ease into 2020

After transitioning from blissed at the beach to stressed to the max in 3.5 seconds, I've turned my new year's intentions into anti-anxiety strategies.

 

Happy New Year Everyone!  I’m sitting at my desk after 2.5 days of catching up on correspondence and getting organized for 2020.  I’m going to get into the art studio this afternoon for the first time in about a month and I’m sooooo excited to get my hands dirty! 

I have been thinking for a long time now about a series of paintings that focus on horses and ocean waves.  In Greek mythology, Poseidon gifted the earth horses.  They were born of the sea and when you see waves break, those are horses rearing up from the surf.

In my mind, I’ve been thinking, “2020 is the year for this project.  I must find somewhere to volunteer with horses since I don’t know much about them.  I must start researching their anatomy and I want to know more about how they are therapeutic for people suffering from PTSD and emotional disorders.  I have to do this.  I have to that….” and now the hamster in my brain has begun its first 2020 run on the wheel.

As soon as I started thinking seriously about this project, I became completely overwhelmed.  To me, that means that it may not be time yet.  Maybe in a month or two.  Or maybe I just need not to be thinking about big projects while I’m still in the getting organized process of my January.  Which leads me to question, how I can already feel crazy when it is only the 9th day of the damn year?

We got back from our vacay this past Friday.  The weekend was fine.  I organized the house, took down Christmas, and got the studio cleaned up from the holiday madness.  I cooked food and watched football.  It was nice.

Then, Sunday night, I awoke in the middle of the night, the hamster in full sprint.  My brain was going crazy.  I found myself worrying about revenue plans, art projects, my family’s needs, if the boy scouts were ever going to come and pick up my Christmas tree from the curb...  I didn’t sleep much after that.  I practiced my breathing exercises and finally got another hour or so in. 

Monday, I was a bit of a mess.  I felt completely stressed out.  I had an appointment with my therapist and asked how it could be possible that while at the beach the week before, I was fine.  I get back home, and within three days, I’m in nervous breakdown land.  I mean, WTF for realz?

Just like that, I had slipped right back into worry and overwhelm.  Happy new year. 

 

My intention for 2020 is to stay positive, keep moving, and don’t be attached to outcomes.

 

My intention for 2020 is to stay positive, keep moving, and don’t be attached to outcomes.  Since Monday, I have found myself repeating this over and over and practicing my breathing.  I began to think about the horses, and frankly, they stress me out.

FYI – I’m terrified of horses. I have always been scared of them and they know it.  Every horse I’ve ever ridden, with the exception of one, has taken off with me on it.  They know I’m scared and thus, that they are in charge.  But I digress… Back to the breath.

Within 48 hours I have made a decision.  Yes, I will work towards the horse/wave project this year, but I don’t have to start RIGHT NOW.  I mean, jeez girl, calm down already. 

In my head, I had to have the project done like next week and of course all the marketing and sales work that go along with introducing a new series should have already been mapped out, and I don’t have my revenue plan for 2020 done yet, nor do I have my social media content thought out, and I already had to abandon a collaboration that I was supposed to have my part completed for and I had to back out, and I feel terrible for that, and I hope that person isn’t mad at me and…now I have entered the tornado…

Just breathe.  I am inhaling. I am exhaling.  Repeat. 

Today, I feel a bit more stable.  Maybe because my to do list isn’t two full pages long anymore.  Maybe it’s because I have decided to do a few “breathe” paintings instead of diving head first into the horses.  Maybe it’s simply because I actually slept last night from 11:00pm straight until 5:30am without waking up.

I will admit that on Monday, I went from “anxious” to “entering the panic zone” because I simply felt like a failure.  I thought, “Really? Even merely thinking of getting back to work and life is enough to send me off the cliff?”  It doesn’t seem fair, and sometimes I feel shame because I feel like I should be able to hold it together better. 

My therapist had to remind me that I am quite a capable person.  I had to remind myself that it’s ok to take re-entry slow.  So that’s where I’m at today.  My new year’s intentions have become strategies to easing in to 2020: 

 

Be positive – This will pass and I will get back into my routine. 

Keep going – Today a few more things have been checked off the to do list and I’ll make art this afternoon. 

Don’t be attached to outcomes – I wanted to work on horse/wave paintings, but it simply isn’t the time so I’m going to work on something else that doesn’t stress me out.

 

There.  That’s not so bad, is it? 

Did you get back to work from the holidays and is having or had trouble settling back in?  I’d love to know I’m not alone in this.  In the comments below, let me know your post-holiday experience.  I mean, does anyone out there actually feel rested after the holidays?

Just in case you need to hear it, it’s ok to take it slow.  Put one foot in front of the other until you find the pace that works for you.  I’m going to go take a walk before studio time.  Time to get outside again and let Mother Nature calm me.  Peace.

 

The photo above is my first 2020 action in the art studio.  I'm beginning a "breathe" painting, starting with painting paper in an abstract ocean scape sort of way.  From here I'll cut the paper and create a pattern on a darkly painted canvas.  I feel more relaxed already.

 

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.

Setting New Year’s Intentions Instead of Resolutions

I’m going to surf into the New Year with intention.

Do you ever feel like your blasted with joy this time of year?  It’s literally one of the most stressful times of year, and all I see are advertisements showing people smiling while shopping, laughing at parties, and turning out flawless table settings and meals.  Is anyone’s holiday reality like that?  Anyone?  Anyone? 

I always want to start the new year bright eyed and bushy tailed, with confidence exuding from my pours and optimism oozing from my eye balls.  AND I always find that come New Year’s Eve, I’m so stinkin’ tired from the holiday, that all I want to do is sleep.  I mean, who wants to start 2020 in a coma. 

I’m in a tentative place right now. I feel as though I’ve been laying the ground work for a successful New Year and I feel solid in the work I’ve been doing both on my business and in my personal life. At the same time, there are many reasons why I’m scared.

I’m scared because it’s my daughter’s last months living at home before she graduations high school and heads to college.  I’m worried because the business decisions I made this year have caused me to head into 2020 without much cash in my business savings account.  And if I zoom out, I’m plain frightened of failure.  That my art isn’t good enough and that I could be doing things differently at home.


What if I’m doing it all wrong??? 

 

Now, nothing sparks my anxiety like endless to do lists and shopping trips.  The grocery store is already one of my top triggers for anxiety, just on an average day.  This time of year, the shopping seems endless.  Holiday gifts, Christmas cards, post office, grocery stores, preparations for travel, post office again, now the kids need gifts for teachers and friends, aw crap I need host gifts for the parties I’ve been invited to, last trip to the post office (Gad willing), and the icing on the holiday shopping cake, COSTCO.

It’s amazing to me that we’re all not totally crazy by the time New Year’s comes.  Maybe we are.  Maybe we’re super good at hiding it...

For the past two years that we have stayed out West for the holidays, my Hubbie and I have bagged any New Year’s celebrations and have taken off to the coast to surf for New Year’s.  Is it because I don’t like going out New Year’s Eve?  Yes and no.  Historically, New Year’s was always a night that I looked forward to…but historically I was younger, and drinking.  A lot has changed.


It has been calming to hear not fireworks, but waves crashing and gulls singing. 

 

The last couple of New Year’s Eves at the coast have been quiet, restful, and mindful.  Being in the ocean for New Year’s has made me feel strong heading into the new calendar and cleaned me of the holiday stress.  It has been nice not to see all the street trash that is created by New Year’s celebrations.  It has been calming to hear not fireworks, but waves crashing and gulls singing. 

I am both excited and scared about 2020.  My daughter will be a college student and I will officially become an empty nester.  My business will be in its third year. The first piece of art I create in 2020 will be my 234th piece of art I’ve created while in business.  It will be my tenth anniversary of becoming a surfer.  My Hubbie and I will celebrate 15 years of life together. 

The truth is that it is coming, whether I’m ready or not.  I’m not…but hey…these days, I don’t feel ready for tomorrow.  The holiday uproar has created shaky ground.  The funny thing is I love Christmas…but I don’t love preparing for Christmas. 

Hopefully I’ll be literally surfing into the new year, but what if the conditions aren’t good and that isn’t in the plan?  I may spend New Year’s Eve at the Buddhist Temple. Meditating and participating in ceremonials meant to bring peace into our 2020. 

 

 Let’s create our future. 

 

2020 is coming.  My fear will not delay it.  As I write this, every inch of my being just wants to be back in bed.  I have two more days to push myself through before I get a work break and then another six days before I can begin to emotionally prepare myself for a new beginning.

I have never thought about New Year’s with this amount of intention.  Hopefully that will cause a ripple that will lead the way to a peaceful trip around the sun.  Fear be damned!  Peace be accepted!

That all being said, this will be my last blog post of 2019 and tomorrow (Friday) will be the last day of my holiday sale.  As of Friday evening, I will be on holiday vacation.  I will focus on my family and friends…and myself.  I will spend the days setting the intention for how I want my 2020 to unfold.  And then I’ll let it all go.  Hopefully to float away in the ocean to the land of intentions, where my seed will plant itself and my life will grow to new heights.  

And the fear?  It’s still there.  It doesn’t go away.  I believe that I can live alongside it, talking to it as if it were my sister and reminding it that while I know it will remain with me in 2020, that it doesn’t get to be in the driver’s seat.  That seat is reserved for peace. 

It’s time.  In the comments, tell me your intention for 2020.  Let’s set it together here and now.  Say it out loud.  Say it again.  Let’s create our future. 

 

Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones.  I’ll see you in 2020.  XO

 

Love,

Marigny

 

The painting at top is called The Line, 8x8, Acrylic on Canvas, $160 and is a reminder to surf the waves of life.  Make it yours by clicking here.

 

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.

Bringing it Back to Joy….Damn it

When the holiday chaos turns me into a grinch, I have creativity to show me the joy.

 

Ohmyfuckinggad!  I just spent like two hours doing gift research and it’s official: The holidays do NOT make me grumpy.  Shopping makes me grumpy.

I am not a shopper.  I really never have been.  I have been letting the same woman at the same boutique in my hometown of New Orleans dress me since I was 16.  16, y’all!!!!  I walk in and say, “Jennifer, I need jeans, tanks, and t-shirts that don’t look like t-shirts.” She disappears and brings me things that I love in my size.  The end.  

I joke that I will always have to visit home because otherwise, I’ll never have any new clothes. It’s true…I haven’t been in a year and I forgot to get tanks the last time I was there and now I have one tank that I wear every day.  Gross…but true…

My point is that it isn’t the actual holiday that overwhelms me.  It’s the massive expenditure and the time suck that shopping takes that stresses me out.  

We are all so friggin’ busy.  Between the three party invitations that I received just yesterday, I realize that my schedule is getting quite full and I have to be careful.  I cannot afford to take on too much and spread myself too thin.  I know where that will lead: exhaustion, anxiety, and me not wanting to leave my bed. 

Back to joy!!!!  I opened my online holiday sale to the public yesterday.  It has been nice for me to look back at the art that I created for this sale.  It is all art that breathes optimism, love, laughter, and joy, all feelings that I experienced creating this work, and definitely a feeling that I want to bring into 2020. 

 

I don’t want to start 2020 being more tired than the dead.

 

I don’t want to start 2020 being more tired than the dead.  I want to feel invigorated and alive!  Positive and hopeful!  I want to begin in a head space that says, “YES to life!” rather than, “Aw fuck, really?” 

After my husband decided THIS MORNING that tonight, we should take a family photo for our holiday cards, I was most def in an, “Aw fuck, really?” mindset.  Shouldn’t we have done that about a damn month ago?

But then I had to get on the computer and open my online holiday sale to the public.  I, once again, had a chance to take a look at the art work.  Heart Flowers for love, Love Clubs for laughter, Surfboards for joy, and A Lovely Mess for Optimism.  *Deep exhale.  Right…that’s what it’s all about. 

 

The intention I want for my life is expressed through my creativity.

 

I love this work. I love my life.  I love my family who supports me being an emotionally challenged artist.  And I love you!  YOU!  Who is on this crazy, beautiful, artventure with me and reminds me that I’m not alone. YOU!  The one who has read this bah humbug tirade of a blog post all the way to the end! YOU!  Who while reading this thought to yourself, “Oh Thank the Lawd, it’s not just me!” 

No, it’s not.  For every person out there wearing bells and reindeer antlers, singing, “Falalalala,” there are also those of us in fetal position, rocking back and forth in the corner, wearing a nasty and yellowing tank top saying, “Fufufufufuck,” as well. 

How’s your attitude today?  In the comments, tell me one holiday "jolly" that made you want to stick hot pokers in your eyes.  Today, the Salvation Army bell was this close to going up Santa’s you know what. 

All I can say is thank goodness for art.  It’s as if the intention I want for my life is expressed through my creativity.  Even though my mind may default to the negative, my creative side is always there saying, “Or, it could be like this…”   

Alright.  Enough of the tirade.  Time for joy.  It’s studio time. 

 

 

Shop my Joyful Art for the Holidays Collection by CLICKING HERE.

 

The paintings at top is Seagull Prism, 8x10, Acrylic & Paper on Canvas and comes in a natural wood floater frame.  Make this little surfboard and a large dose of joy your own, by clicking here.

 

 

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.

Tiara is my Super Power: The Strange Ways I Stay Calm

I’m standing on the corner of Stay Calm and Freak Out trying to decide which way I’m going to go. 

 

I know which way I’d like to go and I’m attempting to remind myself that I always feel like this before a show.  So, you know what that means…


…It’s full on TIARA TIME! 

 

Oh yeah.  I was standing in my studio right after kid #1 came in sick, and a half-hour later, kid #2 came in panicked and crying, and I thought to myself, “when did life get so chaotic?”  Then I saw the sparkling tiara sitting on my shelf.  I don’t know what it is, but that tiara makes me feel like a gad damn Wonder Woman.  I wore it the rest of my day and at the dinner table.  I have to love my family for not even mentioning it. 

Today, I’ve got to be in go mode.  I have to get the house ready to be cleaned, go to Trader Joes for cookies and cider, Office Depot for a new receipt book, get the Christmas decorations out of the garage (omg I hope the box is easy to find), and start transforming my house into a gallery. Oh!  And I’ve got to write this blog post.   (Thanks for helping me suss out today’s to do list.)  

Did I mention that I’m fighting off a migraine, whatever illness the kids have brought in, and haven’t felt so tired since having a baby? 

This is how tired I’ve been:  I went to the ocean over the weekend.  I surfed Friday and had a blast.  Saturday morning, I woke up to find a cold and windy beach but still, it was totally surfable.  I watched my hubbie and his BFF paddle out...and promptly fell asleep in the van.  Like the dead.  

Hubbie woke me when they got out.  I said hello, and fell asleep again.  We left the beach and went to BFF’s house where we ate and I passed out on the sofa.  Hubbie woke me and moved me back into the van where I slept until 8:00am the next morning.  Sunday, we took at redwood hike, which was lovely, and then headed home where I was in bed by 9:00pm.  I guess I needed the rest.

It’s been an exhausting couple of months.  Some of the most physically and emotionally exhausting since giving birth.  Before a show, I traditionally get crazy nervous anyway, but now, I’m heading into the show already feeling somewhat compromised.  I just keep telling my body to pretty please hold off on getting sick until Sunday evening.  

I am reminding myself that my holiday sale is filled with art all about joy, love, and laughter.  Plus, I’ve decided to display my series called, A Lovely Mess, which I have not shown locally.  A Lovely Mess is a visual description of the chaos of life, and the beauty that hides within, if we’re willing to look for it.

A good reminder.

I am so blessed in this life.  I am surrounded by natural beauty and amazing people.  I have a home, a car, too many clothes, and access to art, music, and the ocean.  I love playing records and paint-dancing in the studio.  I love surfing.  I have a beautiful family, and the added bonus that we all like each other a whole lot (well…most of the time…they are teenagers after all…).  

 

There are people in this world with real problems…like no access to clean water problems…and here I am whining about being nervous before a dang art show. 

 

I know that my feelings of anxiety are valid and deserve attention, but today, as I stand on the corner of Stay Calm and Freak Out, I find myself feeling guilty about feeling anxious.  There are people in this world with real problems…like no access to clean water problems…and here I am whining about being nervous before a dang art show. 

My feelings are real and should not be dismissed but I have to wonder, when did I get so self-centered?  Is it the culture that we’ve been raised in?  We live in an incredible land of privilege.  My guess is that even some people who live on welfare have it pretty decent when compared to a lot of the world.  And yet, I would also guess that we are one of the most stressed out societies on the planet.

 

I wish this holiday, beyond all else, that I could just flip a switch and make the anxiety disappear.

 

I wish this holiday, beyond all else, that I could just flip a switch and make the anxiety disappear.  I often think about the old crusty surfer that I met on the beach one day who, with a twinkle in his eye, told me that, “stress is optional”.  It doesn’t feel optional.  How does that happen?  How do I get there?  Teach me, Oh Crusty One.

So, great…now I’m feeling anxious over feeling anxious.  Dang, the hamster is running early this morning.  But I have hope.  I have hope because right when I wrote the sentence about the hamster, I pictured it in my mind, aimlessly running in the wheel, but this time, the hamster in my head has a fucking tiara on. 

My wish this holiday season is that everyone can drop a little joy into their stress filled days.  That when our families start getting under our skin, we can picture them wearing tutus and tiaras.  When traffic, shopping, wrapping and unwrapping makes us think of pollution, waste and debris, we can also see the sparkle of the season and remember how freaking lucky we are to be born here, and not Syria.    

That the dark side of life is only one side, and we can choose to focus on the light and joyous side, and simultaneously live in a way that doesn’t feed the dark.  What a gift that would be. 

Do you ever have guilt about feeling anxious or stressed?  In the comments below, I’d love to hear one way you could shift that perspective.    

And look, I know I’m a silly human.  I mean, who the hell puts on a tiara when they’re feeling stressed to the max.  Apparently, I do…and guess what…it’s all good.

  

Marigny Goodyear Art Tiara Therapy

 

The photo at top is one of my little relief surfboard paintings I've created, for the holidays.  They simply represent joy, positivity, optimism.  This one is Psychedelic Sea Stars, 8"x10", Acrylic on Canvas, Framed $280.  

 

CLICK HERE to learn more and join the waitlist to get early access to my online holiday pop up sale.  Give a one-of-a-kind gift of love, laughter and joy and receive a FREE GIFT FROM ME when you order.

 

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.

Gratitude & Reassurance from the Universe...in a Bowling Alley

Sometimes the Universe lets me know I’m on the right track, by simply making me smile.

I cannot believe the holidays are here.  That’s it.  2020 will be here before we know it.  It’s just a stone’s throw away. I find that by the time Thanksgiving hits, the holiday whirlwind sweeps me up and pitches me out into the new year before I’ve even had time to look around and see what the hell just happened.

Well, that’s what it feels like anyway.  Thankfully, due to the recent transition tornado that hit my life about six weeks ago, I’ve already been in whirlwind mode, and so I’m feeling strong and prepared today.  I’m already in crazy town!  Whatchoo gonna do now, Universe?

You know what the Universe did this week?  Gave me a big ole pat on the back.  It said, “Girl, you’re doing so well.  You’re being of service in a time of need in a big way, and I see you.” 

The message came while listening to oldies, in lane one of a bowling alley with carpeted wall decor.  No kidding. 

 

How did the Universe tell me this?  The message came while listening to oldies, in lane one of a bowling alley with carpeted wall decor.  No kidding. 

I haven’t bowled in…well…I can’t remember the last time.  I used to love it.  In high school, my friends and I would clown car it in a station wagon to the Bowl-A-Rama where we would play “Mellow Yellow” and “Secret Agent Man” on the juke box, and bowl with an extreme amount of silliness…usually ending with someone getting injured.  (I’m looking at you Eliot.  I will never understand how one pulls a groin bowling.)  Good times.

This past Sunday, we were invited to join a group of friends for a few games.  I was tired AF, and have turned down many a plan lately.  However, bowling?  Now that sounded like something I could socialize for.

Game one, first thing that happened is that I bowled three strikes in the first three frames.  Wa-Wa-What?! I have never in my life done that and chalked it up to someone needing to get a “turkey” right before Thanksgiving.  But it didn’t stop there.  I continued to bowl the best score of my life in that first game.  A 145, to be exact. 

I was pretty proud, but knew it was a fluke when first frame of game two, I got a gutter ball.  Woops.  But then…spare…spare….spare…strike…spare...holy crap what is happening?  Game two, I bowled a 136.

Game three, I thought for sure my arm would be tired, but no, I bowled a 155, including a strike and spare in the last frame.  My lowest score of 136 was even 20 points above the next high score.  In short, I killed it.  I blew everyone away, every game.  Even my hubbie, whom I have NEVER beat in bowling.  Never. Not in the 14 years we’ve been together.

 

There, sitting in lane one, I felt as though the Universe was patting me on the back saying, “For right now, you’re a gad damn winner.”

 

Over the past month, I have been exhausted to the point of freaking out in front of my family at the breakfast table, repeatedly crying in my studio, and hysterically laughing at the prospect of what the hell could possibly happen next.  There, sitting in lane one, I felt as though the Universe was patting me on the back saying, “For right now, you’re a gad damn winner.”

I say that in jest, but I’ve really been thinking about it.  I have written in the past about paying attention to the signs on our paths.  How if we look around and observe, we will be able to tell if we are where we need to be, or if we have decided to detour and go off-roading (which can be fun, but not so good on the shocks).

While I have not been questioning the decisions made in the past six weeks per se, I admit that when times are overwhelming, it’s easy for doubt to creep in.  On Sunday, I felt that the Universe was giving me a reassuring pep talk and saying, “You’ve been working hard.  You’re doing awesome.  Here’s something fun to smile big about.”

I mean, my highest ever bowling score was like a 110.  I was always stoked when I broke 100.  But a 155?  That’s some higher power shit right there. 

Thursday is Thanksgiving which has a complicated history that hasn’t been presented all that accurately.  But, no matter the origin story, it has become a time for family and friends to get together, and for all of us to reflect on the things that we are grateful for. 

So…I am grateful for my incredibly supportive, patient, and giving family and friends.  I am grateful to be of service to someone I deeply care for, when they need it most.  I am grateful for the ups in life, but also for the downs, as they amplify the ups when they come, and teach me profound lessons while they are present. 

I am grateful to live in an absolutely gorgeous place where the mountains take my breath away and the ocean continues to teach me about myself.  I am grateful for my simple home that keeps me warm and dry.  I am grateful that I am tuned in to the Universe and can hear the direction that comes my way.

And I am incredibly grateful for YOU.  THANK YOU for being on this crazy, beautiful, artventure with me.  I love this community and I know that we will all continue to inspire each other as we move into 2020. 

In the comments below, I’d love for you to tell me three things you are grateful for. 

Aw crap…here come the tears again.  So be it.  I hope your Thanksgiving is filled with love, laughter, joy…and pie so good, it makes you cry. 

 

Love & light always,

Marigny

 

The photo at top is one of my little relief surfboard paintings I'm making for the holidays.  They simply represent joy, positivity, optimism.  This one is Del Norte, 8"x8", Acrylic on Canvas, $160.  

CLICK HERE to learn more and join the waitlist to get early access to my online holiday pop up sale,  Give a one-of-a-kind gift of love, laughter and joy and receive a FREE GIFT FROM ME when you order.

 

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.