My goal this week is to cruise, slowly and mindfully, through a state of anxious and depressive dis-ease. 

I don’t feel that great.  Life has been challenging.  It’s one of those weeks where tears flow easily and at inconvenient times.  I am sitting in it.  I am not frantically looking for escape.  I want clarity.  If the brain tornado must spin, maybe I can make it spin slower, just slow enough so I can actually see what’s happening.

I feel bad sometimes that I end up talking to you, more often than not, about how crappy I feel.  I feel like I’m bitching and moaning and complaining with no end.  I try very hard to stay positive.  I attempt nearly every day to do the things that I know will make me feel better.

Anxiety and depression are my default.

I don’t choose to be like this…or do I?  That is the mind fuck that goes through me every time I get depressed.  Is depression comfortable for me in some way?  Like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders that closes me off from the rest of the world?  I don’t want to think that could be true but I actually don’t know any other way of being, so perhaps it is.  Anxiety and depression are my default.

If this is my nature, what can I actually do about it?  If this is how my brain works, is there a solution?  Or just ever-changing coping mechanisms as I choose to focus on one anxiety and depression buzz word or another. “Strategies” is what I refer to them as. 

“Strategy” is defined as “a plan of action or policy designed to achieve a major or overall aim”.  I adapt different strategies in my life to achieve a peaceful mind.  I meditate, exercise, eat well, surf, write, make art, recite gratitude lists and “I will” statements, and talk to my anxiety like it’s a person, all in an effort to find calm. 

It doesn’t always work.  Sometimes there are things happening outside myself that are completely out of my control that make it very hard.  I feel it would be easier if it were just entirely up to me, but there is a whole world out there constantly throwing situations my way that are unpleasant.  I am not an island.

What I have to remember is that same world is also throwing a vast amount of beauty my way as well.

What I have to remember is that same world is also throwing a vast amount of beauty my way as well.  That for all the bullshit that brings me to my knees, there is kindness, love, and chocolate.  I didn’t remember that until writing this, right now (which is why writing is so powerful for me).

I was hoping to have like 30 paintings finished to offer to you in March.  Yeah right.  The issue is that I’m attempting to make paintings that feel like a deep inhale and exhale.  Relaxing.  Calming.  That feeling will not make it through to the painting if I am panicking to meet an unrealistic deadline. 

The first painting of the series is coming along painstakingly slow.  While I’m doing it, I’ll feel myself speed up, wanting it to be further along than it is.  I have to take a deep breath and remember that slow is the key to these paintings.  I’m now hoping to have them finished by May.

One thing that does make me feel better is knowing that I’m not alone.

One thing that does make me feel better is knowing that I’m not alone.  That you are here with me.  Whenever you tell me that my writing or painting resonates with you because you know the struggle, it makes me feel better.

I’m glad that we are open to receiving the imperfect message that mental health issues deliver.  If nothing else, maybe it brings us together.  If you know the struggle, you know that it comes with a hefty side of loneliness so that’s pretty dang powerful.  I’m grateful for you.

I’m going to put away the computer today and get straight into the studio.  I’m going to put positive music on, and my studio tiara, and try to rock out the rest of this first painting…in a slow and mindful way, of course.  I’m excited to share it with you and I hope that the paintings bring across a feeling of calm.  It may be forced calm, which seems like an oxymoron but sometimes that’s the best I can do. 

Do you know this feeling?  I’m so sorry if you do.  Perhaps a bombardment of joy will help.  In the comments, tell me something good.  Something that makes you feel better when the struggle is real. 

Hopefully next week I’ll feel better and be able to lift you up.  Right now, I need some lifting so thanks for anything you can give.  Much love. 

Up top is a detail of the first “Breathe” painting.  Creating this painting is like an active meditation.  I hope when it’s done, that is the feeling delivered to you. 

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.

After transitioning from blissed at the beach to stressed to the max in 3.5 seconds, I've turned my new year's intentions into anti-anxiety strategies.

Happy New Year Everyone!  I’m sitting at my desk after 2.5 days of catching up on correspondence and getting organized for 2020.  I’m going to get into the art studio this afternoon for the first time in about a month and I’m sooooo excited to get my hands dirty! 

I have been thinking for a long time now about a series of paintings that focus on horses and ocean waves.  In Greek mythology, Poseidon gifted the earth horses.  They were born of the sea and when you see waves break, those are horses rearing up from the surf.

In my mind, I’ve been thinking, “2020 is the year for this project.  I must find somewhere to volunteer with horses since I don’t know much about them.  I must start researching their anatomy and I want to know more about how they are therapeutic for people suffering from PTSD and emotional disorders.  I have to do this.  I have to that….” and now the hamster in my brain has begun its first 2020 run on the wheel.

As soon as I started thinking seriously about this project, I became completely overwhelmed.  To me, that means that it may not be time yet.  Maybe in a month or two.  Or maybe I just need not to be thinking about big projects while I’m still in the getting organized process of my January.  Which leads me to question, how I can already feel crazy when it is only the 9^th day of the damn year?

We got back from our vacay this past Friday.  The weekend was fine.  I organized the house, took down Christmas, and got the studio cleaned up from the holiday madness.  I cooked food and watched football.  It was nice.

Then, Sunday night, I awoke in the middle of the night, the hamster in full sprint.  My brain was going crazy.  I found myself worrying about revenue plans, art projects, my family’s needs, if the boy scouts were ever going to come and pick up my Christmas tree from the curb...  I didn’t sleep much after that.  I practiced my breathing exercises and finally got another hour or so in. 

Monday, I was a bit of a mess.  I felt completely stressed out.  I had an appointment with my therapist and asked how it could be possible that while at the beach the week before, I was fine.  I get back home, and within three days, I’m in nervous breakdown land.  I mean, WTF for realz?

Just like that, I had slipped right back into worry and overwhelm.  Happy new year. 

My intention for 2020 is to stay positive, keep moving, and don’t be attached to outcomes.

My intention for 2020 is to stay positive, keep moving, and don’t be attached to outcomes.  Since Monday, I have found myself repeating this over and over and practicing my breathing.  I began to think about the horses, and frankly, they stress me out.

FYI – I’m terrified of horses. I have always been scared of them and they know it.  Every horse I’ve ever ridden, with the exception of one, has taken off with me on it.  They know I’m scared and thus, that they are in charge.  But I digress… Back to the breath.

Within 48 hours I have made a decision.  Yes, I will work towards the horse/wave project this year, but I don’t have to start RIGHT NOW.  I mean, jeez girl, calm down already. 

In my head, I had to have the project done like next week and of course all the marketing and sales work that go along with introducing a new series should have already been mapped out, and I don’t have my revenue plan for 2020 done yet, nor do I have my social media content thought out, and I already had to abandon a collaboration that I was supposed to have my part completed for and I had to back out, and I feel terrible for that, and I hope that person isn’t mad at me and…now I have entered the tornado…

Just breathe.  I am inhaling. I am exhaling.  Repeat. 

Today, I feel a bit more stable.  Maybe because my to do list isn’t two full pages long anymore.  Maybe it’s because I have decided to do a few “breathe” paintings instead of diving head first into the horses.  Maybe it’s simply because I actually slept last night from 11:00pm straight until 5:30am without waking up.

I will admit that on Monday, I went from “anxious” to “entering the panic zone” because I simply felt like a failure.  I thought, “Really? Even merely thinking of getting back to work and life is enough to send me off the cliff?”  It doesn’t seem fair, and sometimes I feel shame because I feel like I should be able to hold it together better. 

My therapist had to remind me that I am quite a capable person.  I had to remind myself that it’s ok to take re-entry slow.  So that’s where I’m at today.  My new year’s intentions have become strategies to easing in to 2020: 

Be positive – This will pass and I will get back into my routine. 

Keep going – Today a few more things have been checked off the to do list and I’ll make art this afternoon. 

Don’t be attached to outcomes – I wanted to work on horse/wave paintings, but it simply isn’t the time so I’m going to work on something else that doesn’t stress me out.

There.  That’s not so bad, is it? 

Did you get back to work from the holidays and is having or had trouble settling back in?  I’d love to know I’m not alone in this.  In the comments below, let me know your post-holiday experience.  I mean, does anyone out there actually feel rested after the holidays?

Just in case you need to hear it, it’s ok to take it slow.  Put one foot in front of the other until you find the pace that works for you.  I’m going to go take a walk before studio time.  Time to get outside again and let Mother Nature calm me.  Peace.

The photo above is my first 2020 action in the art studio.  I'm beginning a "breathe" painting, starting with painting paper in an abstract ocean scape sort of way.  From here I'll cut the paper and create a pattern on a darkly painted canvas.  I feel more relaxed already.

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.

I’m going to surf into the New Year with intention.

Do you ever feel like your blasted with joy this time of year?  It’s literally one of the most stressful times of year, and all I see are advertisements showing people smiling while shopping, laughing at parties, and turning out flawless table settings and meals.  Is anyone’s holiday reality like that?  Anyone?  Anyone? 

I always want to start the new year bright eyed and bushy tailed, with confidence exuding from my pours and optimism oozing from my eye balls.  AND I always find that come New Year’s Eve, I’m so stinkin’ tired from the holiday, that all I want to do is sleep.  I mean, who wants to start 2020 in a coma. 

I’m in a tentative place right now. I feel as though I’ve been laying the ground work for a successful New Year and I feel solid in the work I’ve been doing both on my business and in my personal life. At the same time, there are many reasons why I’m scared.

I’m scared because it’s my daughter’s last months living at home before she graduations high school and heads to college.  I’m worried because the business decisions I made this year have caused me to head into 2020 without much cash in my business savings account.  And if I zoom out, I’m plain frightened of failure.  That my art isn’t good enough and that I could be doing things differently at home.

What if I’m doing it all wrong??? 

Now, nothing sparks my anxiety like endless to do lists and shopping trips.  The grocery store is already one of my top triggers for anxiety, just on an average day.  This time of year, the shopping seems endless.  Holiday gifts, Christmas cards, post office, grocery stores, preparations for travel, post office again, now the kids need gifts for teachers and friends, aw crap I need host gifts for the parties I’ve been invited to, last trip to the post office (Gad willing), and the icing on the holiday shopping cake, COSTCO.

It’s amazing to me that we’re all not totally crazy by the time New Year’s comes.  Maybe we are.  Maybe we’re super good at hiding it...

For the past two years that we have stayed out West for the holidays, my Hubbie and I have bagged any New Year’s celebrations and have taken off to the coast to surf for New Year’s.  Is it because I don’t like going out New Year’s Eve?  Yes and no.  Historically, New Year’s was always a night that I looked forward to…but historically I was younger, and drinking.  A lot has changed.

It has been calming to hear not fireworks, but waves crashing and gulls singing. 

The last couple of New Year’s Eves at the coast have been quiet, restful, and mindful.  Being in the ocean for New Year’s has made me feel strong heading into the new calendar and cleaned me of the holiday stress.  It has been nice not to see all the street trash that is created by New Year’s celebrations.  It has been calming to hear not fireworks, but waves crashing and gulls singing. 

I am both excited and scared about 2020.  My daughter will be a college student and I will officially become an empty nester.  My business will be in its third year. The first piece of art I create in 2020 will be my 234^th piece of art I’ve created while in business.  It will be my tenth anniversary of becoming a surfer.  My Hubbie and I will celebrate 15 years of life together. 

The truth is that it is coming, whether I’m ready or not.  I’m not…but hey…these days, I don’t feel ready for tomorrow.  The holiday uproar has created shaky ground.  The funny thing is I love Christmas…but I don’t love preparing for Christmas. 

Hopefully I’ll be literally surfing into the new year, but what if the conditions aren’t good and that isn’t in the plan?  I may spend New Year’s Eve at the Buddhist Temple. Meditating and participating in ceremonials meant to bring peace into our 2020. 

 Let’s create our future. 

2020 is coming.  My fear will not delay it.  As I write this, every inch of my being just wants to be back in bed.  I have two more days to push myself through before I get a work break and then another six days before I can begin to emotionally prepare myself for a new beginning.

I have never thought about New Year’s with this amount of intention.  Hopefully that will cause a ripple that will lead the way to a peaceful trip around the sun.  Fear be damned!  Peace be accepted!

That all being said, this will be my last blog post of 2019 and tomorrow (Friday) will be the last day of my holiday sale.  As of Friday evening, I will be on holiday vacation.  I will focus on my family and friends…and myself.  I will spend the days setting the intention for how I want my 2020 to unfold.  And then I’ll let it all go.  Hopefully to float away in the ocean to the land of intentions, where my seed will plant itself and my life will grow to new heights.  

And the fear?  It’s still there.  It doesn’t go away.  I believe that I can live alongside it, talking to it as if it were my sister and reminding it that while I know it will remain with me in 2020, that it doesn’t get to be in the driver’s seat.  That seat is reserved for peace. 

It’s time.  In the comments, tell me your intention for 2020.  Let’s set it together here and now.  Say it out loud.  Say it again.  Let’s create our future. 

Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones.  I’ll see you in 2020.  XO

Love,

Marigny

The painting at top is called The Line, 8x8, Acrylic on Canvas, $160 and is a reminder to surf the waves of life.  Make it yours by clicking here.

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.

When the holiday chaos turns me into a grinch, I have creativity to show me the joy.

Ohmyfuckinggad!  I just spent like two hours doing gift research and it’s official: The holidays do NOT make me grumpy.  Shopping makes me grumpy.

I am not a shopper.  I really never have been.  I have been letting the same woman at the same boutique in my hometown of New Orleans dress me since I was 16.  16, y’all!!!!  I walk in and say, “Jennifer, I need jeans, tanks, and t-shirts that don’t look like t-shirts.” She disappears and brings me things that I love in my size.  The end.  

I joke that I will always have to visit home because otherwise, I’ll never have any new clothes. It’s true…I haven’t been in a year and I forgot to get tanks the last time I was there and now I have one tank that I wear every day.  Gross…but true…

My point is that it isn’t the actual holiday that overwhelms me.  It’s the massive expenditure and the time suck that shopping takes that stresses me out.  

We are all so friggin’ busy.  Between the three party invitations that I received just yesterday, I realize that my schedule is getting quite full and I have to be careful.  I cannot afford to take on too much and spread myself too thin.  I know where that will lead: exhaustion, anxiety, and me not wanting to leave my bed. 

Back to joy!!!!  I opened my online holiday sale to the public yesterday.  It has been nice for me to look back at the art that I created for this sale.  It is all art that breathes optimism, love, laughter, and joy, all feelings that I experienced creating this work, and definitely a feeling that I want to bring into 2020. 

I don’t want to start 2020 being more tired than the dead.

I don’t want to start 2020 being more tired than the dead.  I want to feel invigorated and alive!  Positive and hopeful!  I want to begin in a head space that says, “YES to life!” rather than, “Aw fuck, really?” 

After my husband decided THIS MORNING that tonight, we should take a family photo for our holiday cards, I was most def in an, “Aw fuck, really?” mindset.  Shouldn’t we have done that about a damn month ago?

But then I had to get on the computer and open my online holiday sale to the public.  I, once again, had a chance to take a look at the art work.  Heart Flowers for love, Love Clubs for laughter, Surfboards for joy, and A Lovely Mess for Optimism.  *Deep exhale.  Right…that’s what it’s all about. 

The intention I want for my life is expressed through my creativity.

I love this work. I love my life.  I love my family who supports me being an emotionally challenged artist.  And I love you!  YOU!  Who is on this crazy, beautiful, artventure with me and reminds me that I’m not alone. YOU!  The one who has read this bah humbug tirade of a blog post all the way to the end! YOU!  Who while reading this thought to yourself, “Oh Thank the Lawd, it’s not just me!” 

No, it’s not.  For every person out there wearing bells and reindeer antlers, singing, “Falalalala,” there are also those of us in fetal position, rocking back and forth in the corner, wearing a nasty and yellowing tank top saying, “Fufufufufuck,” as well. 

How’s your attitude today?  In the comments, tell me one holiday "jolly" that made you want to stick hot pokers in your eyes.  Today, the Salvation Army bell was this close to going up Santa’s you know what. 

All I can say is thank goodness for art.  It’s as if the intention I want for my life is expressed through my creativity.  Even though my mind may default to the negative, my creative side is always there saying, “Or, it could be like this…”   

Alright.  Enough of the tirade.  Time for joy.  It’s studio time. 

Shop my Joyful Art for the Holidays Collection by CLICKING HERE.

The paintings at top is Seagull Prism, 8x10, Acrylic & Paper on Canvas and comes in a natural wood floater frame.  Make this little surfboard and a large dose of joy your own, by clicking here.

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.

I’m standing on the corner of Stay Calm and Freak Out trying to decide which way I’m going to go. 

I know which way I’d like to go and I’m attempting to remind myself that I always feel like this before a show.  So, you know what that means…

…It’s full on TIARA TIME! 

Oh yeah.  I was standing in my studio right after kid #1 came in sick, and a half-hour later, kid #2 came in panicked and crying, and I thought to myself, “when did life get so chaotic?”  Then I saw the sparkling tiara sitting on my shelf.  I don’t know what it is, but that tiara makes me feel like a gad damn Wonder Woman.  I wore it the rest of my day and at the dinner table.  I have to love my family for not even mentioning it. 

Today, I’ve got to be in go mode.  I have to get the house ready to be cleaned, go to Trader Joes for cookies and cider, Office Depot for a new receipt book, get the Christmas decorations out of the garage (omg I hope the box is easy to find), and start transforming my house into a gallery. Oh!  And I’ve got to write this blog post.   (Thanks for helping me suss out today’s to do list.)  

Did I mention that I’m fighting off a migraine, whatever illness the kids have brought in, and haven’t felt so tired since having a baby? 

This is how tired I’ve been:  I went to the ocean over the weekend.  I surfed Friday and had a blast.  Saturday morning, I woke up to find a cold and windy beach but still, it was totally surfable.  I watched my hubbie and his BFF paddle out...and promptly fell asleep in the van.  Like the dead.  

Hubbie woke me when they got out.  I said hello, and fell asleep again.  We left the beach and went to BFF’s house where we ate and I passed out on the sofa.  Hubbie woke me and moved me back into the van where I slept until 8:00am the next morning.  Sunday, we took at redwood hike, which was lovely, and then headed home where I was in bed by 9:00pm.  I guess I needed the rest.

It’s been an exhausting couple of months.  Some of the most physically and emotionally exhausting since giving birth.  Before a show, I traditionally get crazy nervous anyway, but now, I’m heading into the show already feeling somewhat compromised.  I just keep telling my body to pretty please hold off on getting sick until Sunday evening.  

I am reminding myself that my holiday sale is filled with art all about joy, love, and laughter.  Plus, I’ve decided to display my series called, A Lovely Mess, which I have not shown locally.  A Lovely Mess is a visual description of the chaos of life, and the beauty that hides within, if we’re willing to look for it.

A good reminder.

I am so blessed in this life.  I am surrounded by natural beauty and amazing people.  I have a home, a car, too many clothes, and access to art, music, and the ocean.  I love playing records and paint-dancing in the studio.  I love surfing.  I have a beautiful family, and the added bonus that we all like each other a whole lot (well…most of the time…they are teenagers after all…).  

There are people in this world with real problems…like no access to clean water problems…and here I am whining about being nervous before a dang art show. 

I know that my feelings of anxiety are valid and deserve attention, but today, as I stand on the corner of Stay Calm and Freak Out, I find myself feeling guilty about feeling anxious.  There are people in this world with real problems…like no access to clean water problems…and here I am whining about being nervous before a dang art show. 

My feelings are real and should not be dismissed but I have to wonder, when did I get so self-centered?  Is it the culture that we’ve been raised in?  We live in an incredible land of privilege.  My guess is that even some people who live on welfare have it pretty decent when compared to a lot of the world.  And yet, I would also guess that we are one of the most stressed out societies on the planet.

I wish this holiday, beyond all else, that I could just flip a switch and make the anxiety disappear.

I wish this holiday, beyond all else, that I could just flip a switch and make the anxiety disappear.  I often think about the old crusty surfer that I met on the beach one day who, with a twinkle in his eye, told me that, “stress is optional”.  It doesn’t feel optional.  How does that happen?  How do I get there?  Teach me, Oh Crusty One.

So, great…now I’m feeling anxious over feeling anxious.  Dang, the hamster is running early this morning.  But I have hope.  I have hope because right when I wrote the sentence about the hamster, I pictured it in my mind, aimlessly running in the wheel, but this time, the hamster in my head has a fucking tiara on. 

My wish this holiday season is that everyone can drop a little joy into their stress filled days.  That when our families start getting under our skin, we can picture them wearing tutus and tiaras.  When traffic, shopping, wrapping and unwrapping makes us think of pollution, waste and debris, we can also see the sparkle of the season and remember how freaking lucky we are to be born here, and not Syria.    

That the dark side of life is only one side, and we can choose to focus on the light and joyous side, and simultaneously live in a way that doesn’t feed the dark.  What a gift that would be. 

Do you ever have guilt about feeling anxious or stressed?  In the comments below, I’d love to hear one way you could shift that perspective.    

And look, I know I’m a silly human.  I mean, who the hell puts on a tiara when they’re feeling stressed to the max.  Apparently, I do…and guess what…it’s all good.

The photo at top is one of my little relief surfboard paintings I've created, for the holidays.  They simply represent joy, positivity, optimism.  This one is Psychedelic Sea Stars, 8"x10", Acrylic on Canvas, Framed $280.  

CLICK HERE to learn more and join the waitlist to get early access to my online holiday pop up sale.  Give a one-of-a-kind gift of love, laughter and joy and receive a FREE GIFT FROM ME when you order.

I am an artist and writer, living in Talent, Oregon with my husband and daughter. I use creativity to break through anxiety paralysis, I play in the ocean to stay strong and inspired, and I often visit my hometown of New Orleans, where the rhythm of my heartbeat is renewed. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram where I post stuff sometimes.  To hear from me more regularly, join me on this Crazy, Beautiful Artventure.