I had been working on a painting that wasn’t coming along well. I was attempting to create the first in the series of “breathe paintings” that I told you about last week. What was coming out was the prickliest looking “breath” I have ever seen. It was pointy, sharp, not at all the feeling of inhale and exhale that I had hoped to create. I realized that my state of mind at the time was abrupt, self-critical, and racing like it was running around on fire.
I am having a complicated day. I had a work misunderstanding and it has ended up costing me money, which in turn makes me feel totally guilty, like I messed up big time, and now I’m a failure.
In an attempt to re-frame, I could also say that I learned an important lesson, I won’t make that mistake again, and I’ve been offered a way to re-coop some of the lost dollars. That should make me feel better, right? It doesn’t.
I’m just going to admit it. I’ve been feeling pretty dang pleased with myself these days. Being one who is aware of my anxiety cycles, I’m at the top of the wave right now. Peaking in bliss and comfort. I feel strong. My energy is good. My confidence is on point. To be honest, I’m at the part of the cycle when I feel like maybe, just maybe, this time the peak won’t end.
That thought brings with it a certain trepidation.