I am having a complicated day. I had a work misunderstanding and it has ended up costing me money, which in turn makes me feel totally guilty, like I messed up big time, and now I’m a failure.
In an attempt to re-frame, I could also say that I learned an important lesson, I won’t make that mistake again, and I’ve been offered a way to re-coop some of the lost dollars. That should make me feel better, right? It doesn’t.
I sat down with him to eat dinner and felt the anxiety building up behind my eyes, like my head would explode any second. The familiar thoughts that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around, that I’m a nuisance, and that he was completely disgusted with me because I was crumbling right in front of him, all began to dig deep and set roots into my brain.
I’m just going to admit it. I’ve been feeling pretty dang pleased with myself these days. Being one who is aware of my anxiety cycles, I’m at the top of the wave right now. Peaking in bliss and comfort. I feel strong. My energy is good. My confidence is on point. To be honest, I’m at the part of the cycle when I feel like maybe, just maybe, this time the peak won’t end.
That thought brings with it a certain trepidation.
One morning, a little less than 3 years ago, I woke up with a mass in my throat. I could feel it all the time. It was ever present. When I talked, swallowed, yawned, laid down to sleep, it was always there. I could actually press on my throat and feel a little "pop" happen. I went to see my doctor...and there was nothing there.
There is no doubt that we are all up to our eye balls in stress and anxiety. Adults are feeling it. Kids are feeling it. People (like me) who were once only wanting to see and spread “positive news” on Facebook are no longer able to ignore it. (And by the way, I felt it even when I was ignoring it….I don’t know why I thought denial was a sound strategy…) The bottom line is, shit is fucked up right now. We are in a huge Pile Of Transition. It’s a big, hot, steamy, stanky pile, and folks are getting stuck in it whether they like it or not.